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Showing posts from December, 2017

The numbness of motherhood- Vocal

I have written a piece for Vocal which you can see a sneak peek of below and link to full piece is at the bottom of the page.

I felt so detached from him, when was the unconditional love part going to kick in? My maternal instincts seemed to have disappeared.

A mother should not feel like this towards her child, should she?

I could hear my other child playing in the other room and felt resentment.

Resentment that because of having a second child there was now a barrier up between my first and me.

He was no longer the centre of attention and I missed it being just me and him.

I missed being the fun mum to him, the one who wasn’t constantly pushing him aside to sort out his brother or yelling to be quiet.

I thought I would be able to adjust being a mum of two and I knew it would be hard.
But not this hard.

Every day is a battle just to get through and do the most mundane of things.

It is a constant cycle of nappies, bottles and snacks.

Click here to view full piece here.

The non judgemental Christmas

The non-judgemental Christmas.

To the ones who go over the top.

To the ones who are 4 days behind with everything.

To the ones trekking out to do the food shop on Christmas Eve.

To the one who wish the kids were back at school already.

To the ones missing out because of work.

To the ones who are at home wishing they were out on the piss.

To the last-minute ones wrapping and assembling on Christmas Eve.

To the ones doing it on their own.

To the ones who really can’t be arsed to move the elf of the shelf and haven’t got a Christmas Eve box.

To the ones who just want a drink.

To the ones dreading seeing the family and cooking the lunch.

To the ones who forgot the batteries.

To the ones who cannot stand to watch the C Beebies panto one more time.

To the ones battling their own demons and putting on a brave face.

To the ones who are spending it in hospital.

To the ones missing those who are not here.

To the ones who don’t know if they can make it through the day.

To the ones who don’t wan…

10 things I have learnt whilst having post-natal depression.

It’s ugly, the lowest I have ever felt. Never have I felt more of a burden to everyone that I have to rely on them to help me look after the children I created, that I chose to have.
1.You will feel like you’ve failed as a mother. There is no getting away from it. The guilt is all consuming. All day you play the comparison and blame game, if everyone else can cope why can’t you? There must be something wrong with me, I am a bad mother. Everyday, these thoughts play in your head. They take over and trap you, they trick you. 2.The stigma of having post-natal depression is real and very much alive today. The walk to the doctors will be heavy and loaded with anxiety that you will suddenly have your child taken off you, and you fear the judgement of others. You need help more than anything, but it is the last thing you feel like you can ask for. It is the hardest thing to ask for from anyone.
3.You are not just ‘depressed’, you are angry, resentful, guilty. You will shout, yell and soon beco…