Skip to main content

10 things I have learnt whilst having post-natal depression.

5 months on and still numb
It’s ugly, the lowest I have ever felt. Never have I felt more of a burden to everyone that I have to rely on them to help me look after the children I created, that I chose to have.

1.       You will feel like you’ve failed as a mother. There is no getting away from it. The guilt is all consuming. All day you play the comparison and blame game, if everyone else can cope why can’t you? There must be something wrong with me, I am a bad mother. Everyday, these thoughts play in your head. They take over and trap you, they trick you.
2.      The stigma of having post-natal depression is real and very much alive today. The walk to the doctors will be heavy and loaded with anxiety that you will suddenly have your child taken off you, and you fear the judgement of others. You need help more than anything, but it is the last thing you feel like you can ask for. It is the hardest thing to ask for from anyone.

3.      You are not just ‘depressed’, you are angry, resentful, guilty. You will shout, yell and soon become someone you do not even recognise. You will be volatile, you have thrown something at the wall in a rage and have seen the shocked look on your toddler’s face. The scared look from your partner that leaves you wanting to run away and never come back. You will scare them, you will scare yourself, but this isn’t the real you.

4.      Anxiety is PND’s best friend, and things that you have been doing for years will suddenly become too much. You will wake at night worrying about things that most would not even bat an eyelid at.

5.      PND is not just mental symptoms, it manifests into physical ones too. Appetite, sleep patterns and general well being are all thrown off kilter. It comes in and takes over everything like a parasite.

6.      Time is no consolation, the older the baby gets, the worse you feel that you are still battling this. They are not a new born anymore, 5 months in surely you should have got a handle on this? That you should have moved on? The everyday list of guilt increases as each month passes.

7.      There is nothing wrong with having to take medication. It could help the fog is lift, to make you feel as though you are getting slowly on the right track. It may not work, you may need to try others, go on other doses and it will feel like a setback but it is a step in the right direction, hopefully.

8.      All you want to do is distance yourself, to remove yourself from the situation but at the same time you will lock yourself away. You will feel as though only you can do this, no one can help, to see you like this. You will be your own worst enemy until you are at the point to accept help knowingly it is the right thing.

9.      Numbness. Numbness when you look at your sleeping baby and feel nothing. Numbness at the dark thoughts you have had that shock you and you dare not speak about to anyone. Knowing when you look at a photo of yourself you have the same fake numb smile throughout.

10.   You need to celebrate the small victories, no matter how small if you have feel you have achieved something then you have. You must recognise this, and lots of small victories will eventually lead to the victory of kicking PND’s arse.



  1. You are amazing. The courage you have to share this side of yourself with the world is inspiring. I can relate to so much of what you write in your pieces. They make me feel less alone. Thank you xx

  2. Thank you for putting into words what I couldn't. When I am low i lose my words completely. Can barely talk, can't text or call anyone let alone write a blog post. Well done and keep going.

  3. Easily Boost Your ClickBank Banner Commissions And Traffic

    Bannerizer makes it easy for you to promote ClickBank products with banners, simply go to Bannerizer, and get the banner codes for your picked ClickBank products or use the Universal ClickBank Banner Rotator to promote all of the ClickBank products.


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

5 things I want you to know about being a NICU Mum, this #nicuawarenessmonth

5 things I want you to know about being a NICU Mum, this #nicuawarenessmonth

In less than four days’ time, my eldest child will celebrate his fourth birthday.
Birthdays are always emotional especially when looking back, I class his birth as one of the most traumatic times of my life.
I recently wrote about how four years it still haunts me.
I didn’t just become a new mum, I became a NICU (Neo Natal Intensive Care Unit) Mum.
It was a title I didn’t ask for and we were part of a club we didn’t ask to join.
I have now spent nearly 4 years writing about our story on this blog, and for other publications and websites.
I have tried to raise awareness of the issues that affected us, I have tried to bring about change but ultimately and I hope I am right in saying I have helped other NICU Mum and CHD (Congenital Heart Defect) parents.
I have tried to process some of the emotions surrounding our NICU experience and use them to do something positive.
I had so much I wanted to say this #nicuawareness…

The time Fajita night resulted in having a baby in a bath.

Do you all remember my ever so optimistic natural birth plan? You can read it here.
However, spoiler alert, it didn’t happen.
What did happen was something no one was expecting.
Wednesday the 5th July… a mundane sort of day spent cleaning the house and doing the weekly shop. With Greg going back to work the next day I was determined to make sure everything was ready for when this baby arrived! I was three days off my due date and still hadn’t had one single sign this baby was imminently coming. I had been receiving messages from quite a few people asking if baby was here yet. I was getting fed up as everything I had tried to induce labour failed miserably and every morning for the last two weeks I woke up disappointed I wasn’t in labour! I gave up, walking didn’t help, pineapple made me sick and I was beginning to tire of the raspberry leaf tea. This baby was staying put.
In the evening I put Elijah bed, and we began to settle down for the evening. Fajitas had been served and consumed an…

To my second son on your first birthday...

To my darling boy,
You seem so large in my arms all of a sudden or perhaps it's because I am taking notice of how much you've changed.
From your less than traditional entrance in the world you were always going to do it differently weren't you?
You are already , walking, talking and climbing on anything you can get your hands and feet on.
You seem so old, yet are still so young.
You race around to keep up with your brother.
You play with and do whatever he does, perhaps that's why you seem so grown up.
I see how you look at him, with complete love and devotion.
I am writing to say two things.
One, Happy 1st Birthday my long haired loony. I hope you enjoy being spoilt beyond belief. Something your not too used too hay?
The other is to say I am sorry.
After you were born I wasn't myself for a very long time and somewhere along the line I blamed you.
I blamed you for how I was feeling, for the darkness and that wasn't fair.
I couldn't control the darkness and…