Skip to main content

Dear Elijah, on your fourth birthday.

Happy Birthday my darling boy.

Dear Elijah,

I cannot quite believe that I am writing this a letter to you, on your fourth birthday.
It feels as though you have been in our lives for what seems like no time at all and as if you've been there our whole lives; all at the same time.
We have all come so far since the day you were born, the following long days we spent in hospital at your side.
I think things have changed in the last year.
It hasn't been the easiest has it?
There has been a lot of emotion.
A lot of anger from me, and from you.
You are so smart, so sensitive and I can see how frustrated you get with the world.
And with me, when you don't understand why you cannot always get what you want, why I say no.
It's hard to see the disappointment in your face when your dad leaves for work or I tell you Mummy cannot play as she needs to work too.
I know it's been hard, I haven't been myself and your brother can be hard work.
He can be demanding and I know I've had to side-line you at times.
The guilt that I cannot give you all my focus eats me up.
I know that you’ve struggled with all of the changes you've had in this last year.
Moving house and living with Nanny, Daddy's long hours and now your brother is older and so much more into things, your things in particular.
You have become so smart, so articulate and so expressive even when you're angry.
You are more like me than I like to admit.
Our tempers flare when we clash, the way you react to things, I can see myself in you.
I love the moments in the day where it's just me and you reading a book in my room before bed.
Or when you sit next to me watching TV as I write.
You are becoming so much more aware of everything.
So mature for your young years, you've been through so much so soon and it is clear this has left it's mark in more ways than one.
You are so curious, you ask so many questions and are becoming more independent.
From dressing yourself, making your own breakfast you have to do it your way.
You don't stop talking and have an excellent memory.
I know you are possessive, excitable when you see those you love and I know I can find it hard to manage those emotions and actions from you.
But with those emotions you also love so hard. You take care of your brother (when you want to), you adore your friends and care for your tortoise.
I am still grateful for the times you look to me to protect you, to comfort you and to reassure you.
The truth is, I miss you and me. Everything just seems so busy and I miss us.
Our adventures, trips to Costa or walks on our own.
I miss crawling into your bed just to smell your neck.
I am sorry you just missed out on school this year. I know you wanted to go up with your friends, deep down I know you are ready.
I was upset for you, but I know we now have this year to make some amazing memories.
I get a whole extra year of you.
Of going on adventures in the woods, of learning to read together and doing our favourite thing.... going to the library together.
I am so incredibly honoured to be your mum.
I may not act like it at times but I am, and I am so happy at what you have achieved.
You’re my beautifully brave heart warrior, the one that defied expectations.
You will be wonderful my dear and I am so proud of you and the person you are becoming.
Happy Birthday my darling boy.
I love you.
Mum x


  1. Such a superb birthday share! My cousin's birthday weekend was also nice. Celebrated her special day at one of the famous event venue with showy dinner. Tasty treats of pasta and barbeques were amazing. Also liked the ice creams and chocolate candies with creamy dressings. Drinks and especially red wine was yummy.


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Dear Elijah, on your fourth heart day

Elijah the heart hero never letting anything stop him. Today  is your 4th heart day. It's 4 years since we took you down to Great Ormond Street for open heart surgery. It seems to have crept up on us again. Another whole year has passed but it hasn't changed how I feel about that day. Some have said that oh, by now surely you should have gotten over it after all it's been 4 years. The answer is I don't think I ever will. I have been thinking a lot about that day, where I signed the consent forms for them to take you and operate on you. To either save or take your life. That day was the worst of my life, the unknown certainty of whether you would come back up again. I held you as they put you to sleep. They gave me your dummy as they took you from me and laid you on the operating table as if you weighed nothing. I couldn't even kiss you goodbye in case it was the last time. That's why I won't ever get over it and those who have been in the

The obligatory birth story

Eighteen months have passed since our beautiful little miracle emerged (I say emerged because 'vigorously ripped out' doesn't have the same ring to it). The rollercoaster of the past year and a half has somewhat levelled off, and things have become almost normal. Now feels as good a time as any, for me to confess (to HONESTLY confess) what it's like to give birth, become a mother, and cope with the joys of reflux, teething, milestones and TODDLERDOM! And how having an NICU baby with a heart defect makes these things all the more stressful. Oh, and there's also my increasing fear that Elijah is Damien from the Omen, with his endless antagonising of our cats. I will save the nine glorious months of swollen feet, constipation, and eating chocolate on the sofa, like a whale (whilst watching RHOBH in my pants) for another time. This is the story of how Elijah was born. To be honest, after watching numerous programmes on TV, they make it look like, once your 

Day One - Diagnosis

Disbelieving the diagnosis. Every day for 28 days I will be taking part in the  #chdphotochallenge over on my Instagram but I will also be blogging everyday too. Today, is day one and the theme is Diagnosis. I can remember vividly when we recieved Elijah's diagnosis of CHD and Tetralogy of Fallot. It is a day I don't look back on fondly. We were visited bedside by the consultant on the maternity ward. We were told via diagrams that Elijah's heart wasn't working correctly. There were numerous structural abnormalities which were causing his cynatic episodes. In layman's terms his heart leaked back de oxygenated blood, there was a hole that would need to be repaired and thickening of the heart muscle too. The terms overwhelmed me, I didn't know what they really meant for my baby who was fighting for his life. Receiving the diagnosis was the day our lives changed forever. We were no longer new parents but heart parents of a CHD bab