Dear Elijah, on your fourth birthday.

Happy Birthday my darling boy.

Dear Elijah,

I cannot quite believe that I am writing this a letter to you, on your fourth birthday.
It feels as though you have been in our lives for what seems like no time at all and as if you've been there our whole lives; all at the same time.
We have all come so far since the day you were born, the following long days we spent in hospital at your side.
I think things have changed in the last year.
It hasn't been the easiest has it?
There has been a lot of emotion.
A lot of anger from me, and from you.
You are so smart, so sensitive and I can see how frustrated you get with the world.
And with me, when you don't understand why you cannot always get what you want, why I say no.
It's hard to see the disappointment in your face when your dad leaves for work or I tell you Mummy cannot play as she needs to work too.
I know it's been hard, I haven't been myself and your brother can be hard work.
He can be demanding and I know I've had to side-line you at times.
The guilt that I cannot give you all my focus eats me up.
I know that you’ve struggled with all of the changes you've had in this last year.
Moving house and living with Nanny, Daddy's long hours and now your brother is older and so much more into things, your things in particular.
You have become so smart, so articulate and so expressive even when you're angry.
You are more like me than I like to admit.
Our tempers flare when we clash, the way you react to things, I can see myself in you.
I love the moments in the day where it's just me and you reading a book in my room before bed.
Or when you sit next to me watching TV as I write.
You are becoming so much more aware of everything.
So mature for your young years, you've been through so much so soon and it is clear this has left it's mark in more ways than one.
You are so curious, you ask so many questions and are becoming more independent.
From dressing yourself, making your own breakfast you have to do it your way.
You don't stop talking and have an excellent memory.
I know you are possessive, excitable when you see those you love and I know I can find it hard to manage those emotions and actions from you.
But with those emotions you also love so hard. You take care of your brother (when you want to), you adore your friends and care for your tortoise.
I am still grateful for the times you look to me to protect you, to comfort you and to reassure you.
The truth is, I miss you and me. Everything just seems so busy and I miss us.
Our adventures, trips to Costa or walks on our own.
I miss crawling into your bed just to smell your neck.
I am sorry you just missed out on school this year. I know you wanted to go up with your friends, deep down I know you are ready.
I was upset for you, but I know we now have this year to make some amazing memories.
I get a whole extra year of you.
Of going on adventures in the woods, of learning to read together and doing our favourite thing.... going to the library together.
I am so incredibly honoured to be your mum.
I may not act like it at times but I am, and I am so happy at what you have achieved.
You’re my beautifully brave heart warrior, the one that defied expectations.
You will be wonderful my dear and I am so proud of you and the person you are becoming.
Happy Birthday my darling boy.
I love you.
Always.
Mum x