|Rachael rocking the bump|
https://thedontwanttobeworkingmum.wordpress.com/ Instagram and Facebook
She kindly agreed to share her amazing story. These are her words, these are her feelings, this is her story. I resonated with so much of this. It does just go to show you really can fine comfort in others and it feels like you are not alone.
My birth story
B and I were sat in the doctor’s office for our initial consultation to start fertility treatment when we found out I was pregnant. To say we were stunned was an understatement. I've got poly cystic ovaries and we'd been trying to conceive for two years and now it had happened naturally. We were so overwhelmed and so so lucky.
My pregnancy was awful. There was no 'glow' people talk of, I was bloated and sick. I put on four and a half stone and thanks to indigestion, Gaviscon was my new best friend. I'd been on maternity leave for a week when at 37 weeks pregnant I started bleeding heavily. We drove to the hospital, it felt like the longest drive of my life, and when we got there I expected to be seen straight away but instead I had to wait for over an hour. Bleeding, worrying.
|Such a sleepy head|
The epidural numbed the side of my face and right arm meaning that I couldn't face B. I had to face the anaesthetist and although he was a lovely man it wasn't him I wanted to be looking at when I gave birth to my baby.
The first few weeks at home I felt scared and panicky. I didn't like leaving the house and unless I was with someone I wouldn't. I was ok as long as I was sat on the sofa cuddling my baby. I would stare at her, drinking in her new baby smell. I loved her so much but would get nervous something would happen to me. I was scared I would die and leave her. The chest pains continued. B found it difficult to understand why I felt the way I did. He used to tell me that we'd got everything we wanted so stop feeling sad. If only it had been that easy.
I felt like I was living in a bubble. I looked fine on the outside but was in complete turmoil inside. Surprised at how weak I felt I would cry a lot, especially at night. I would be so exhausted but unable to sleep reliving my birth and the midwifes words "that's the least of your worries."
|Enjoying a nap|
I opened up to a friend who I knew had anxiety and she gave me some self help books which taught me different breathing techniques that helped me, particularly in the middle of the night. I also opened up to my health visitor, before this I was too scared to as I thought they would think I was a bad mother who wasn't coping and my baby would be taken away from me. Throughout all of this my love for my baby just grew and grew. She was wonderful but I felt like I was failing her as I was so anxious. Irrational thoughts would go through my head. I felt like I was loosing my mind. The health visitor was marvellous. She gave me so much of her time and made me feel like I wasn't alone. She told me that it sounded like I had post traumatic stress disorder and set up for me to go and see a counsellor.
|Look at us now!|
At the time only a handful of people knew how bad I was, as I was ashamed. Ashamed that I couldn't just shake these feelings off, ashamed that I couldn't cope on my own, ashamed that I needed to see someone to help me through. But now I'm not ashamed or embarrassed to admit that I didn't have my shit together. I realise now that everyone goes through rough times and we need to stop worrying about others judging us and take the time to look after ourselves. I am stronger now. I am a survivor.
|So happy :)|
Go give this lady some love on her brilliant blog;
Similar NICU Mum Posts;
My birth story part two
Elijah's heart surgery
My guide to surviving NICU
A letter from a guilty NICU Mum