|Bribery. Alot of bribery.|
Whether you have one, two, three or six small humans that belong to you, there will come a time where you have to ride the frankly terrifying ride of parentdom alone. Here are a few observations/ tips you can use for your own survival!
1. Expect to be attached to a small human for 90% of the day. Sack of any plans to achieve anying other than perhaps having enough time to poo before the screaming begins again. Bonus points if you get to wipe before you're interrupted by the wailing limpet or invading toddler. I mean who doesn't like an audience?
2. What you plan to shower or bath? HAHAHA. Unless you time it very well this is not going to happen. My advice? Wet wipes, dry shampoo and deodrant ALOT of deodrant.
3. Pack a Bear Grylls worthy survival bag if you dare venture outside. You cannot have enough wipes and clothes everything will be covered in sick, shit and piss before you have even left the house...Ahhh the day light it burns...
4. Get confident identifying various stains on your clothes when someone asks what's that? Pretend you didn't notice until now. But you did and made the conscious decison to rewear it this morning after it sat on the floor for 2 days festering.
5. Have a pack of biscuits on hand at all time. They are suitable for breakfast/lunch/ tea. You can eat them with one hand too.
6. Make sure you always have the following in the house.. perhaps more important that wet wipes. Coffee.... GIN.... COFFEE.... GIN...
7. Accept help... all the help. You can digest the guilt later. You feel like you have to do it all and do it alone. You don't. Someone wants to make you food? Take the older kids out? Wash up? For heavens sake sit on your arse and let them! You birthed a person and are keeping it alive. First time round I broke myself trying to do it all. Second time? I let everyone help and yeah, I felt a tad bad but it was so much better for us all in the long run.
8. The best investment you can make as a parent? Netflix. Perfect for feeding binge sessions and to bribe older siblings with too. I am 90% sure Elijah has watched every episode of Fireman Sam EVER made but it has brought me a lot of time!
9. You can use wet wipes for everything! Jam on the wall? Baby vomit on your leggings? Facial clenser? Poo up the toddler's back? Hell, all they need now is to make edible ones and you have an all rounder there!
10. Remember to laugh. It can sometimes feel like the last thing you feel like doing but it is so important! Laugh it off when your toddler keeps the cat prisoner in his Paw Patrol tent much to her dismay. Or when you find him butt naked up the window watching the bin men. When your toddler shouts F**k sake at the top of his voice in McDonald's or when your newborn just projectiled at baby massage and did the biggest poonami in Costa.
What would be your top tip for surviving the small humans??
#parent #survival #passthegin