To my second son on your first birthday...

Happy Birthday my darling boy 

To my darling boy,
You seem so large in my arms all of a sudden or perhaps it's because I am taking notice of how much you've changed.
From your less than traditional entrance in the world you were always going to do it differently weren't you?
You are already , walking, talking and climbing on anything you can get your hands and feet on.
You seem so old, yet are still so young.
You race around to keep up with your brother.
You play with and do whatever he does, perhaps that's why you seem so grown up.
I see how you look at him, with complete love and devotion.
I am writing to say two things.
One, Happy 1st Birthday my long haired loony. I hope you enjoy being spoilt beyond belief. Something your not too used too hay?
The other is to say I am sorry.
After you were born I wasn't myself for a very long time and somewhere along the line I blamed you.
I blamed you for how I was feeling, for the darkness and that wasn't fair.
I couldn't control the darkness and I became someone I didn't recognise.
I was your mum, but not the real mum I could be.
I was so negative.
I wished and wished time would hurry up, you wouldn't need me so much, that you would sleep through.
I shouldn't have ever blamed you with how I felt.
I needed to say sorry because it took so long for me to find myself again, to want to be your mum.
To spend time with you, to watch you figure it all out and how you much you change.
Your love of books makes my heart swell, the way you stumble across the room arms outreached just because you want a cuddle.
The way you blow raspberries on my stomach and how your hair curls behind your ears.
You entered the world in quite a surprising way and you haven't stopped surprising us time an time again over this first year.
Your destined to do great things little one and I don't think you will let anything get in your way.
Happy 1st Birthday pork chop.
Now please start sleeping through 🤞
Love Mama x