Skip to main content

To my second son on your first birthday...

Happy Birthday my darling boy 

To my darling boy,
You seem so large in my arms all of a sudden or perhaps it's because I am taking notice of how much you've changed.
From your less than traditional entrance in the world you were always going to do it differently weren't you?
You are already , walking, talking and climbing on anything you can get your hands and feet on.
You seem so old, yet are still so young.
You race around to keep up with your brother.
You play with and do whatever he does, perhaps that's why you seem so grown up.
I see how you look at him, with complete love and devotion.
I am writing to say two things.
One, Happy 1st Birthday my long haired loony. I hope you enjoy being spoilt beyond belief. Something your not too used too hay?
The other is to say I am sorry.
After you were born I wasn't myself for a very long time and somewhere along the line I blamed you.
I blamed you for how I was feeling, for the darkness and that wasn't fair.
I couldn't control the darkness and I became someone I didn't recognise.
I was your mum, but not the real mum I could be.
I was so negative.
I wished and wished time would hurry up, you wouldn't need me so much, that you would sleep through.
I shouldn't have ever blamed you with how I felt.
I needed to say sorry because it took so long for me to find myself again, to want to be your mum.
To spend time with you, to watch you figure it all out and how you much you change.
Your love of books makes my heart swell, the way you stumble across the room arms outreached just because you want a cuddle.
The way you blow raspberries on my stomach and how your hair curls behind your ears.
You entered the world in quite a surprising way and you haven't stopped surprising us time an time again over this first year.
Your destined to do great things little one and I don't think you will let anything get in your way.
Happy 1st Birthday pork chop.
Now please start sleeping through 🤞
Love Mama x

Comments

  1. obviously like your web-site Post Thanks for Shearing. i Read your Blog every day.it very bothersome to tell the reality then again I’ll definitely come back again.Please write more about this topics.
    More

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Dear Elijah, on your fourth heart day

Elijah the heart hero never letting anything stop him. Today  is your 4th heart day. It's 4 years since we took you down to Great Ormond Street for open heart surgery. It seems to have crept up on us again. Another whole year has passed but it hasn't changed how I feel about that day. Some have said that oh, by now surely you should have gotten over it after all it's been 4 years. The answer is I don't think I ever will. I have been thinking a lot about that day, where I signed the consent forms for them to take you and operate on you. To either save or take your life. That day was the worst of my life, the unknown certainty of whether you would come back up again. I held you as they put you to sleep. They gave me your dummy as they took you from me and laid you on the operating table as if you weighed nothing. I couldn't even kiss you goodbye in case it was the last time. That's why I won't ever get over it and those who have been in the

The obligatory birth story

Eighteen months have passed since our beautiful little miracle emerged (I say emerged because 'vigorously ripped out' doesn't have the same ring to it). The rollercoaster of the past year and a half has somewhat levelled off, and things have become almost normal. Now feels as good a time as any, for me to confess (to HONESTLY confess) what it's like to give birth, become a mother, and cope with the joys of reflux, teething, milestones and TODDLERDOM! And how having an NICU baby with a heart defect makes these things all the more stressful. Oh, and there's also my increasing fear that Elijah is Damien from the Omen, with his endless antagonising of our cats. I will save the nine glorious months of swollen feet, constipation, and eating chocolate on the sofa, like a whale (whilst watching RHOBH in my pants) for another time. This is the story of how Elijah was born. To be honest, after watching numerous programmes on TV, they make it look like, once your 

Day One - Diagnosis

Disbelieving the diagnosis. Every day for 28 days I will be taking part in the  #chdphotochallenge over on my Instagram but I will also be blogging everyday too. Today, is day one and the theme is Diagnosis. I can remember vividly when we recieved Elijah's diagnosis of CHD and Tetralogy of Fallot. It is a day I don't look back on fondly. We were visited bedside by the consultant on the maternity ward. We were told via diagrams that Elijah's heart wasn't working correctly. There were numerous structural abnormalities which were causing his cynatic episodes. In layman's terms his heart leaked back de oxygenated blood, there was a hole that would need to be repaired and thickening of the heart muscle too. The terms overwhelmed me, I didn't know what they really meant for my baby who was fighting for his life. Receiving the diagnosis was the day our lives changed forever. We were no longer new parents but heart parents of a CHD bab