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Today I broke...

This is what being a mother really looks like.
Today I broke.
As the tears streamed down my face in anger, in frustration I felt as though I had made a terrible mistake.
I shouldn't have become a mother.
I regretted having children.
That I wasn't equipped to deal with two children, that I couldn't cope anymore.
Then the guilt washed over me in tidal waves that I dared have this thought.
I know how lucky we are but at times it is so hard to be greatful when my four year old is a ball of energy who leaves a trail of destruction in his path and never, ever listens.
The baby?
He doesn't sleep, he doesn't want to be apart and he screams all day.
The house is a mess, plastic toys piled high pushed to one side and forgotten about.
Wasted money thrown at the promise of peace.
I no longer remember waking up and feeling like I have a handle on this.
I feel like a failure.
I can't stop craving to be on my own.
I want to be able to eat, drink, pee, bath and actually work on my own.
I want to read a book and eat chocolate in the afternoon.
I feel trapped.
Sufficated that I live, work, sleep and breathe this every day.
I resent those who get to leave.
I am angry at those who said they would help but are no where to be seen.
I battle everyday with the monotony of the day.
I am not the first and I am not the last to feel like this.
Where are the photos of the mum crying herself to sleep out of sheer exhaustion?
Where are the images of argueing with your partner as they get to leave for work and you can't bear another day at home, and no a "night out with the girls won't fix this".
Where are the magazine covers of the parents who are broken, crumbling and wondering when it suddenly gets easier, when it changes, when this "phase" is over?
Where is the anger?
The truth?
You see as the baby screams yet again because his brother took his toy, I know this is one bad day.
It might be better tomorrow.
But this has to be seen.
It has to be shown that in amongst the smiles, the photos of a day out, first day of school or loving selfies someone, somewhere is crying on the edge of the bed wondering if they can do it all again tomorrow.

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