Vicki Cockerill aka NICU Mum talking all things NICU, HEART, parent and toddler related with honesty, hormones, humour and finding any excuse for a GIN. Hoping to help and comfort others going through the same thing and to improve the NICU experience for all.
*Please be CHD aware, 1 in 100 babies are born with a congenital heart disease *
Sunday, 18 June 2017
Enter stage right… you.
The Cockerill Boys, my boys.
When we first had Elijah, I envisioned myself as a creative sensory
activity, organic food making all-encompassing helicopter mum. I would do it
all, and I could do it myself. Fast forward a few weeks postpartum and I was
quite frankly a mess. I was as far from ‘super mum’ as I could possibly be. A
mother barely holding it together and who was planning her departure.
Enter stage right… you.
You stood by me right from the
beginning. You visited me every day, when we were in hospital and even spent
two days in your own in the NICU with Elijah when I was too ill. You were the
mother, the father and everything in-between to our son. When we brought him
home you did everything by my side even when I didn’t want you to be there.
When I pushed you away and shouted that I hated you, that I resented you. When
I begged you to come home from work, then demanded you to leave.
I had my ideas of how I wanted everything to be done, and
that was it. You never did it how I wanted, but what I didn’t appreciate back
then was the fact that you did it in the first place. It was hard for me to let
go, especially when we were waiting for the op. I felt like I had to do it all
as I blamed myself, and when things didn’t go as planned I felt like a failure.
I took it out on you. I blamed you but it was never you.
I have never said this to you before but I was jealous of
you. I was insanely envious it was you who got to feed Elijah for the first
time, to change him, and be there for him in a way I couldn’t be in those first
days. I was jealous that you could hold it together, that you would get up and
do the night feeds and be able to function the next day when I could barely
hold my eyes open or function. I resented that you got to escape and go to
work, that you got to be you. When you became a Dad, you took it all in your stride
and became an even better person. Me? I lost myself. We didn’t talk for those
first months, but I am telling you now I will always be grateful for the fact
you were there for our son. You never left even when things got tough, when
they got messy. When we hated one another and threw sleep deprived insults at
You always made sure we came together, and that we stood
strong even though I knew sometimes you didn’t feel that strong. Sometimes, you
let me do what I had to, never judging and always being a silent presence that
was always there. You get up with Elijah at the crack of dawn and let me sleep
in nearly every morning., You work all the hours god sends, yet you still come
home never complaining to play with Elijah, to give him a bath, to read him a
story and put him to bed. That ‘super mum’ that I wanted to be back then? Well I
think you maybe it.
For nearly three years you’ve been Elijah’ rock never faltering,
when I did. You’ve been my rock and just got on with it. I know that you try
your best for us, and we may not seem it but we are so grateful for everything
you do for us. When you spend your only days off redecorating the house or
doing the weekly shop. You strive to give us whatever we want even if it means
putting yourself last. Even when things are strained you will always make us
laugh. No one does make us laugh as much as you.
I know you are terrified about being a father of two any day
now. I’m not, do you know why? Because we have you, and just like always you
will step up and get it done. You will once again adapt and be an ever-better
father than you are now to two of the small humans we co created.
You will still put us all first as you always do.
You will still make us laugh.
You still won’t be able to eat white sauce.
You will have to wait until next year to go to Bloodstock
old chap, for now you will have to settle for a beer and a pizza after work
with the Cockerill Clan.
Our clan, the one we built, but the one you hold together.