Vicki Cockerill - NICU MUM Blog

Imagine a world where a zipper scar is recognised for the bearer being a #CHD hero and what that really means. When I tell someone about Elijah's heart condition (Tetralogy of Fallot a severe congential heart defect) I tend to guess their reaction. After four years we tend to be met with the same response. One that is slightly uncomfortable, one that sees them struggling to find the words after we tell them that we watched as our six month old baby was wheeled away into theatre, not knowing if we would see him alive again. Perhaps a glimmer of relief that it isn't their child that will face struggles, future surgeries, restrictions and life long appointments. We tend to be met with sympathy for our situation, which is greatfully recieved. Some have a relative or a friend they know that CHD has also resided in so have an insight into what our lives are like. Some ask questions which I jump at the chance of answering. Asking me questions about Elijah's condition me...

I have been feeling out of sorts recently. I can’t quite put my finger on it. Is it my 22 week pregnant hormones? Perhaps. Maybe, it is being on the eve of my 27th birthday, who knows. It came to me more when I recently went to spend some time with some old best friends. I felt different, was I different? I think I was. I think I have now come to the realisation that I have changed, I am in a weird sort of limbo where I have gained a new confidence, am interested in new things, have new passions but I am still adapting with how I present the ‘newer version of me’, to the real world. I have been more honest by sharing my life online then I have been in real life. I find it easy to write the words of how I am feeling, to relive what we have been through and most of all to be honest in my writing. This is how I process, how I cope, but face to face? I am still very much the anxious acne ridden teenager who was rejected by her mum. Can we change? There is the old age phrase of a ‘...

Elijah, You’re upstairs asleep, I am downstairs crying. You should be at nursery, but we didn’t even make it out of the house. I couldn’t handle you, the situation, I feel like I have failed you. That I failed as a mother, and not for the first time. There have been times in our crazy two years I have broken down and cried, out of happiness, fear, frustration, you name it, as your mother I have felt it. Even more so as our journey wasn’t so textbook, kiddo. As much as I want to admit you are a normal little boy, with what you have been through in your short life, you are not. Things took their toll on us as parents, but they also left their mark on you too. I know there are a lot of changes going on around you, and some you may not fully understand. In a few months, you will become a big brother, but it is beginning to dawn on me this may be more than you can handle. For a while you have been acting out, getting emotional, we put this down to the terrible twos, bu...