Vicki Cockerill - NICU MUM Blog

Happy Birthday my darling boy. Dear Elijah, I cannot quite believe that I am writing this a letter to you, on your fourth birthday. It feels as though you have been in our lives for what seems like no time at all and as if you've been there our whole lives; all at the same time. We have all come so far since the day you were born, the following long days we spent in hospital at your side. I think things have changed in the last year. It hasn't been the easiest has it? There has been a lot of emotion. A lot of anger from me, and from you. You are so smart, so sensitive and I can see how frustrated you get with the world. And with me, when you don't understand why you cannot always get what you want, why I say no. It's hard to see the disappointment in your face when your dad leaves for work or I tell you Mummy cannot play as she needs to work too. I know it's been hard, I haven't been myself and your brother can be hard work. He can be demanding...

This letter was never written to be published, this was a letter to Greg, my partner trying to tell him I needed help. I needed him to know that it wasn't just being tired and hormonal that was causing me to be a bit down, I was pregnant and depressed. I cannot really put my finger on the exact reason, and I felt ashamed, insensitive and selfish I was feeling like this when so many are struggling to get pregnant or have lost a child. I know they would swap with me in a flash if they could. That's why I kept it in, pretended I was okay but as the weeks went by it was getting harder and harder to hide, and it was beginning to creep out. I lost my appetite, I had no patience with Elijah and spent most of the time lashing out at Greg. Enough was enough I knew these feelings, and knew I couldn't let them get the better of me. Not this time. Not much is out there about mental illness in pregnancy, as after all isn't this supposed to be a happy time? I wanted to share this...

Dear Elijah, Today is Mother’s Day, our third one spent together (fourth if you include when Dad brought me a present when you were still in my tummy). The NICU days seem more distant now, and we seem to be on more of an even keel. This one is also extra special because this is our last just me and you. This time next year we will be celebrating Mother’s Day with your future brother or sister, as a family of four. I have been thinking a lot recently about the last 2 and a half years. So much has changed. You have come so far, and you are frankly amazing. Bloody annoying but amazing all the same. We have spent this week on your first ever holiday and you were the happiest I have ever seen you. We are on the brink of so much change, and I hope you will embrace it. I want you to know it wasn’t because you were not enough, or not good enough because boy are you, and then some. I hope you will know that I will love you just the same when your new sibling gets...

Well here we are little man, your second birthday.   I am sure most parents get emotional when their child’s birthday approaches, however you don’t know this yet, but you are extra special. Not just extra special in the fact that all parents think their child is, but you have proved everyone wrong in just 24 months. You are so strong, so amazing and you do not even know it yet kiddo. This year started off well, with us not needing to see the heart consultant until Jan 2017, then you being discharged from the development clinic all together! You moved up in nursery 2 months ahead of your little friends of the same age and you have settled in and learnt so much. Wow, haven’t you? Your love of cars, motorbikes, lorries anything with wheels! Your Grandad would have been so proud.   You can say so much now! Your love of singing is infectious and I love our movie days together. I love how you look after your little babies and tuck them in at night, you are so kind and g...

I planned on featuring a piece that I was going to write for the last day of #PNAW16. However when I received this amazing piece by Nicola from Too Much Mothering Information I knew I found my final show stopper. As soon as I greedily read this in about 2 minutes I knew it was perfect. It was honest, heartfelt and emotionally moving. At times I actually could imagine her reading this to her daughter face to face when she is older. When you suffer from PND/ PTSD there is a degree of guilt you feel. You feel guilty for feeling like this, guilty for how you feel about your baby. I have also wondered what Elijah may feel when he reads back on what I have written and how bad I really felt, how depressed I got. I wonder if he will feel differently about me as his mother. This is the last post in my #PNDAW16 series, so if you haven't already go check out the others!     Dear Ada, You are three years and ten months old. I am 35. And you have taught me more than I...