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Showing posts from 2017

The numbness of motherhood- Vocal

I have written a piece for Vocal which you can see a sneak peek of below and link to full piece is at the bottom of the page.

I felt so detached from him, when was the unconditional love part going to kick in? My maternal instincts seemed to have disappeared.

A mother should not feel like this towards her child, should she?

I could hear my other child playing in the other room and felt resentment.

Resentment that because of having a second child there was now a barrier up between my first and me.

He was no longer the centre of attention and I missed it being just me and him.

I missed being the fun mum to him, the one who wasn’t constantly pushing him aside to sort out his brother or yelling to be quiet.

I thought I would be able to adjust being a mum of two and I knew it would be hard.
But not this hard.

Every day is a battle just to get through and do the most mundane of things.

It is a constant cycle of nappies, bottles and snacks.

Click here to view full piece here.

The non judgemental Christmas

The non-judgemental Christmas.

To the ones who go over the top.

To the ones who are 4 days behind with everything.

To the ones trekking out to do the food shop on Christmas Eve.

To the one who wish the kids were back at school already.

To the ones missing out because of work.

To the ones who are at home wishing they were out on the piss.

To the last-minute ones wrapping and assembling on Christmas Eve.

To the ones doing it on their own.

To the ones who really can’t be arsed to move the elf of the shelf and haven’t got a Christmas Eve box.

To the ones who just want a drink.

To the ones dreading seeing the family and cooking the lunch.

To the ones who forgot the batteries.

To the ones who cannot stand to watch the C Beebies panto one more time.

To the ones battling their own demons and putting on a brave face.

To the ones who are spending it in hospital.

To the ones missing those who are not here.

To the ones who don’t know if they can make it through the day.

To the ones who don’t wan…

10 things I have learnt whilst having post-natal depression.

It’s ugly, the lowest I have ever felt. Never have I felt more of a burden to everyone that I have to rely on them to help me look after the children I created, that I chose to have.
1.You will feel like you’ve failed as a mother. There is no getting away from it. The guilt is all consuming. All day you play the comparison and blame game, if everyone else can cope why can’t you? There must be something wrong with me, I am a bad mother. Everyday, these thoughts play in your head. They take over and trap you, they trick you. 2.The stigma of having post-natal depression is real and very much alive today. The walk to the doctors will be heavy and loaded with anxiety that you will suddenly have your child taken off you, and you fear the judgement of others. You need help more than anything, but it is the last thing you feel like you can ask for. It is the hardest thing to ask for from anyone.
3.You are not just ‘depressed’, you are angry, resentful, guilty. You will shout, yell and soon beco…

Moving on.

I have to admit my poor little blog has been neglected of late. There are a few reasons why so, I thought I would update everyone with what's going on with the Cockerill Clan.

Two kids is hard. So hard. Harder than I ever thought it would be. There are days like today where I have lost it numerous times before Lunch and sent a text to Greg saying I can't cope.

I believe that I tricked myself into thinking that I was moving beyond PND and coping. Elijah was being better behaved since we reduced his sugar intake, meals were getting made before Greg was home, I was writing news articles/ other blogs most days and Harlow seemed content.

Then all hell broke loose. Harlow had his third set of jabs and lost his shit. It was over a week ago now and he still isn't right. It was as if suddenly at 4 months all those good hormones have pissed off you are left dazed, slighly aggressive and you have a screaming baby on your hands who is pulling out your thinning hair. All the go to tri…

Blasting News

Sooooooo I am very excited to say I have become an online journalist for Blasting News.
My first two pieces have been published and can be viewed via the below links.
As usual I tackled some controversial subjects to begin with.
The #MeToo campaign and how self harm among teenagers is on the increase.

Watch out C4 Jon Snow I am coming for you!

http://uk.blastingnews.com/opinion/2017/10/the-day-the-world-stood-up-and-said-metoo-002111627.html

http://uk.blastingnews.com/opinion/2017/10/the-coping-mechanism-of-the-modern-teenager-self-harm-002119461.html

#blastingnews #online #journalist #writing #newadventures #nicumum #honestconfessions #parentlife

Katie Hopkins- your selfishness will endanger my child

Dear Katie Hopkins,

It’s very unlikely you will read this or if you do you probably will not care however I need to write this.
I need to write this for my son, for all the high-risk children you are letting your son endanger by not having the flu vaccine because you do not want to fill your healthy child with ‘medicine he doesn’t need’.
This is not a pro vaccine rant, it is not a for or against argument, this is my life, my son’s life we are talking about.
You see, I would have sold my soul for a ‘annoyingly lucky fit and healthy’ child one that wasn’t born with a heart condition, one that didn’t have to fight for his life for 9 days in NICU, that he didn’t need open heart surgery at 6 months to save his life, one that didn’t need lifelong monitoring and future surgeries.
I wish I was as lucky as you to say that he never needed an emergency same day appointment. One where you instantly know the outcome, a referral to hospital and possibly admission. One where your stomach tightens and you…

#MeToo

Today is #worldmentalhealthday and I stand proudly to say I am 1 in 4 people who have suffered with mental illness. I stand with the @everymummovement  today and all the others brave enough to say #MeToo. Please head over to her page for info on how you can get involved and let's #beatthestigma for mental health.

#pnd #ptsd #maternalmentalhealth #worldmentalhealthday #beatthestigma #everymummovement

Scary Mommy

Possibly the highlight of my writing career to date being published on the frankly amazing @scarymommy I have been fan girling ever since I found out! A special shout out to Sam Day who has been as excited if not more than me too! It is a subject I am so so passionate about and the fact it could reach more people especially vulnerable new mums makes me soo happy! Today will consist of a lot of happy squealing! The link you can visit;

http://www.scarymommy.com/postpartum-body-unrealistic-expectations/

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkkkk!
#postpartem #body #mumbod #scarymommy #published #writing #blogger #mum #nicumum #honestconfessions #parentlife

Let's talk.... PND

I have had PND with both of my children. It is one the biggest battles I have ever faced. The second time round I knew what to look out for but it still didn't prepare me for how I was really feeling.
It is essential we talk about PND break all the stigmas surrounding it. No one is alone in facing this and should never feel like they are ot cannot get help.
This is why I will talk and talk until something changes.
I have penned two blog posts recently about PND one for the amazing Every Mum Movement who is really making a stand to change maternal mental health and the other is a letter to my partner live on Mummy and Little Me today.
Enjoy!

http://everymummovement.com/metoo-feature-vickis-story/

https://www.mummyandlittleme.co.uk/blog/post-natal-depression.html

I am the mother of the naughty kid

I am the mother of the naughty kid.
The one who screams too loudly on the bus.
The one that doesn't sit still.
The one you walk past and he is having a massive tantrum. You look at us, smile politely and I can see how you are glad it isn't you.
I know the looks we get.
I feel their eyes burning into my back and I feel as though my parenting ability is being judged.
I can see the disapproval in your eyes when you see my child leg it off down the road.
I am the mother of the naughty kid who has to shout. Alot.
He is the one who hasn't quite learn to share or understand to take turns at the park.
Despite us drilling it into him to be kind he will probably push your kid over. I will apolgise profusely and deliver a time out as my face flushes red. You watch me wrangle a now board stiff toddler to the sidelines whilst grappling a wriggling newborn.
He will take your kid's toy despite us talking about sharing the whole way here.
I will go home and cry and wonder why my chi…

Harlow's three month update

Three months old! 

3 MONTHS OLD!
HOW?
WHEN?
HOW HOW HOW is this one 3 months old already?? The time is going by so quickly and I can say just like his delivery this one is doing everything too quickly!
We think we may now be beginning to enter the dreaded world we had long since forgotten about but it has slapped us round the face like a wet fish.... TEETHING. Harlow is dribbling like an over excited dog and chewing everyone's fingers within a 1 ft radius.
Weight/height are all bang on and he seems to be outgrowing all his outfits so quickly! First tuxedo has been ordered for him to attend his first wedding next week! We have firmly settled into a routine now and tonight will be the first night he is put to bed in his basket with the monitor rather than being down with us.
I too am settling into a routine which helps keeps my PND at bay with some new tablets too.
He is such a happy and content baby with the dirtiest laugh!
I am still in disbelief that 12 weeks have passed! Ah! Pl…

Your son's heart isn't working.

Friday 29th September 17 is World Heart Day it is where we raise awareness for all things heart. Strangely it is also my original due date with Elijah. Something we know all to well. Elijah, my first son was born with an undiagnosed heart condition which led to open heart surgery at 6 months old. It was and is a very painful journey to go down with your child. This has been inspired by all of those heart/ CHD parents currently navigating their way through all things heart with their warriors.

For those who want or need support and vital information please do visit Tiny Tickers who strive to improve early detection and care for all babies diagnosed with heart conditions.


To you; the CHD parent,

After being dealt the devastating blow your child’s heart isn’t working properly, your world feels like it is crashing in around you.
They can’t be right, can they?
You refuse to believe it, go into denial, this cannot happen to you and your baby surely?
You look over to see your child wired up to ev…

Pregnancy shaming

We have fat shaming, slut shaming, mum shaming, body shaming and who knew but there is even pregnancy shaming. It seems there will always be someone there to attack your insecurities, and this is normally done with the whole wide world watching. With the unkind keyboard warriors on social media, some even justify their harsh comments as being in the best intention for the receiver, a gentle push in the right direction. When Kim Kardashian was pregnant, every day for nine months there was an update about her supposed weight gain. Who cares she is carrying a whole person in there! It is the same if a celebrity doesn’t lose their baby weight in two days flat. All eyes are on them to snap back into shape. When it is the last thing on your mind once you have given birth, celeb or not. This then filters down to everyday mums like you and me. There is an unspoken pressure when you are pregnant to go give birth, and then be back in your skinny jeans for when you get home to watch the catch up…

Tiny Tickers

In honour of my little heart warriors third birthday today, I am delighted that my first guest parent blog is now live on the Tiny Tickers website!

This heart charity really do some fantastic work and I am very excited to be working with them.

"24 hours after giving birth my world came crashing down around me as I sat on the hospital bed being told my son’s heart was working correctly. This was the first time I have ever heard of CHD something that was now possibly the biggest part of my life, my son’s life".

Read the full post by Clicking here!

On the eve of your third birthday

Elijah,

Tonight, as you fell asleep with your arm around my waist, I stayed that little bit longer in bed with you.
I drunk you in and knew these moments are becoming few and far between.
You are growing up so fast, and I guess it is hard for me to let go.
Let go of the fact you do not need me as much, that you are forging your way on your terms.
I remain fiercely protective of you my heart warrior.
You know what you like, and you most certainly know what you don’t like and boy do we know about it.
I love how you binge watch your favourite series, that you only eat the cream from custard creams and want lunch at 10am.
That you go to bed with your snuggie; my scarf smelling of perfume.
My heart stops when I sneak in to watch you sleep, I see you growing out your toddler bed but still clutching your comforter.
I always want to keep you close, to keep you safe and I worry about the ugly world we now live in.
The lead up to your birthday can be hard for me, it brings back what was both the best and…

A letter to my mum tribe

Dear World, back off the post partem bod

Dear World,
Let me introduce you to the post partem body.
A glimpse into what a post partem body really looks like.
I am here to dispel a few myths.
You will not "snap back into shape" or be back in your skinny jeans a week after giving birth.
We are force fed headlines of celebs "boucing back" everyday so we believed we would too.
When we didn't we felt like failures.
We didn't know what our bodies would look like after birth, we were in the limbo of us regaining it back for ourselves and realising it was not quite the same as what it used to be.
We were not prepared that our stomach didn't instantly go down, our boobs would leak everywhere and our VJJ looked like a car crash. We have been made to feel ashamed.
Ashamed of the body that grew and gave birth to a baby.
We are not taught to accept and embrace our post partem body. Instead everyone tells us it will be okay you will loose the baby weight. Have you tried this diet? This exercise plan? Have y…

The shame of taking Anti Depressents

I have battled with PTSD and now I am in the trenches of PND with crippling anxiety attacking from the side. Things I have been able to do for nearly 3 years suddenly floor me and keep me up at night. The nursery run, putting the boys to bed on my own, Greg coming home late or his shift changing. I have been lucky to have some amazing support from friends and family who take Elijah to help me out. However there is only so much someome can do. I was still miserable and on the verge of a breakdown. I wasn't sleeping. I would cancel plans and isolate myself rather than face the anxiety of seeing people with the boys. I couldnt even face taking them to the shops or on the bus. I made everything my fault. My failure. As much as I didn't want to admit it I knew I had to go back on my medication. Something that I had given up a long time ago. There was a sense of failure that I had to go onto meds to get through the day. To be a mother to the boys I chose to have. My relationship wi…

Bonding in the bath

Stacey Solomon came under attack recently by the parent militia by defending that it was okay for parents to bath with their children, her eldest being 9. She had posted a picture on social media of her and her children enjoying a bath and says that it is natural, and a daily part of their lives like a bedtime story and dinner. I find some of the comments she received quite perplexing, those who said it was un natural, she was twisted and it was wrong, and she wasn’t respecting her children’s privacy. I bath with Elijah and when Harlow is old enough (he is 9 weeks old), I will no doubt bath with him too. Greg baths with Elijah as well, I do not think there is anything wrong with this at all. When Elijah or Harlow turn around and say they want a bath on their own, which now and again Elijah does now we will stop. It is unlikely to carry on until they are old enough to bring their husbands or wives in with us too. Sometimes it is just easier to go in together, kill two birds with one sto…

Two month update

Two month update

So, it seems like it was only yesturday I was posting our one month update and here we are at 8 weeks old!
I am still in the grips of PND with my old friend anxiety coming back to kick me while I'm down. However there are alot of positive things in the pipeline to look forward too including Elijah's third birthday this month!
Without asking Greg has picked up the slack and is looking after us all like a big silverback gorilla with biscuits.
I have really learnt my lesson from last time and accepted help from some wonderful friends who I cannot thank enough for standing by and supporting me so much. Sam, Tel, Amy, Sally and Fiona you have all been amazing. To everyone who has messaged me on the 'gram thank you so much you are all so wonderfully caring! I have tried to step back abit from Insta as I found I was comparing myself to others and then feeling like utter crap. The swings and roundabouts of social media hay?
We have all been ill with a cold so it…

A letter to all toy brand merchandisers

To All Toy Brand Merchandisers,

Firstly I will start of by saying well done on doing such a good job of indoctrinating my very impressionable child and thus bankrupting me. Your programmes are like crack to my child who obviously needs every piece of plastic tat you put on the market. He even wants to s**t in the pot you designed which is 5 times the price of the one I was going to get in Poundland, kudos to you.

However, I need you to clear a few things up for me. Why is it that all the male characters are on boy merchandise and do not feature any female ones? Try explaining that to an overactive e numbered up to the eyeballs toddler who wants to know why Skye isn't on his cup that I have bribed him with half way round during the weekly shop.

Why is it we gender label everything? Why is it Micky is for boys and Minnie for girls? Why can't girls wear Spiderman T Shirts? Why are girls supposed to like sparkles and princesses and boy’s aggressive violent superheroes? Which are …

A letter to my post-natal depression

I am ashamed  to see you again.
I thought we went our separate ways a long time ago.
I paid my dues, letting you taint the first 18 months of my first son’s life.
Now, here you are once again as I embark as a new mother of two.
I feared you, and what you would do to me again.
You overwhelmed me.
You consumed me.
You changed me, I didn’t recognise myself anymore.
You scared me, and from the look in his eyes of how I was acting, and what I was saying you scared my partner too.
There was so much darkness in me.
You made me resent my own children.
You made me believe I couldn’t cope, that I was a failure.
You had convinced me I was a rubbish mother.
You manipulated me, and controlled me.
I didn’t sleep because of you.
I wasn’t eating because of how you made me feel.
You made me feel like I couldn’t face anyone.
You got your way and isolated me, you had me to yourself.
You trapped me.
You made me feel like I wasn’t worthy of anyone’s love not even my own children’s.
You constructed fantasies of me leaving my …

Peacocking the packed lunch

Action stations everyone. Elijah needs a packed lunch for the next two weeks while the nursery chef is off.

Now, to some that may not seem like a big deal right? Chuck a sandwich and some Mini Chedders in and away you go.

No, no, no it is so much more than that in the age of the peacocking packed lunch.

It's all about healthy, break the budget organic teeny tiny portioned toddler snacks. It's about alternative quinoa crisps that taste like cardboard. What the hell was wrong with a Dairylea Lunchable I ask you?

It is though there is now a direct link between the quality of your kid's packed lunch to your parenting ability.

Jam sandwich today compared to Timmy's wholegrain rotisserie chicken and organic tomatoes? You shoddy parent. Is that a Penguin? A PENGUIN??? Irresponsible parenting. You mean to say you sent your child in with a whole piece of fruit? Not sliced into tiny completely uniform sticks? I am calling social services. You bloody monster.

You cannot just wha…

Are we too easily offended?

Do you need to give birth to be a “real woman”. The short answer? No.
Serena Williams faced a social media crucifying this week when she said in a magazine interview that she was excited to give birth as she would feel like a “real woman”. A slight poor choice of words which many took offence to and didn't hesitate to let her know by barraging her via social media channels. 
I am speculating here but I do not think she meant this as an insult to women. To those who cannot have children or choose not to. Does this make them any less of a woman compared to someone who has had children? Of course not.  When I gave birth did I feel any more of a woman compared to my pre child self? No, it made me a mother but no more of a woman. The same principle applies that you do not have to have given birth to be a mother.
Put very crudely, women were meant to carry and bear children. This was their biological design, to help carry on the human race. In this day and age there are so many more fa…