Vicki Cockerill - NICU MUM Blog

The week I became an Insta Husband to my son! I often wondered what Elijah must think I do when he sees me on my phone, or on the laptop when we label it as ‘Mummy is working’. He has had his fair share of requests from me to pose for my Instagram or blog and I had this idea a while back about him taking over my grid. I wanted to see things from his point of view via his eyes. He would choose what he wanted to post and take the photos himself, I would upload and for one-week Elijah would takeover. Slightly worried I would have no followers left after a week of photos of his SuperZing collection never the less we decided on a week he would takeover. Beforehand I spoke to Elijah about how I choose to share photos, who can see them, and showing him my grid, he had already come up with a few posts he wanted to do. Including a photo of him on the toilet which was quickly vetoed. I was really interested to see what was important enough to Elijah for him to share, and ...

NNUH Sometimes you read something that you can relate to and you have to share. I wanted to do more than share on FB. I wanted to share a dear friend's very stark words as far as I could. Which is why today, I have a very improtu guest blog post.  I have written before about having an ill child makes you realise just how lucky you really are to live in a country that has the NHS. Yes, it has it's flaws, it's over stretched but they are all doing an amazing job they don't hear this enough. Instead they get moaned at, shouted at and publicly criticised.  From the bottom of my heart I can never thank the enough for what they have done for my family but I urge you to read on. Please do like/share and spread my friend Chantel's utterly brilliant words below. In the last 6 days I have stepped foot through Norfolk & Norwich A&E 3 times. I’m not usually one for publicly discussing personal affairs but felt compelled to do so in this instance. We are very...

Photo Credit Black and Beech. If I asked you one question; Would you vote to repeal the 8 th amendment in the Irish referendum? Yes? Or no? For me this is an easier answer, to a question I don’t think should actually have to be asked. It seems so archaic that we are even having to discuss and have a referendum on this in 2018. I would vote: YES. On May 25 th Ireland will have to ask this question and answer it accordingly with their vote. For those that don’t know the 8 th amendment is the one that is currently makes getting an abortion illegal in Ireland. It takes away a basic and fundamental right of choice I believe every single woman on this planet should have, and one that should not be dictated, or governed by someone else. Especially those who will never find themselves in a position where they would need to make that choice for themselves, for their body. You may wonder why I wanted to write a blog post about this as an English resident I c...

Trying to live in the present again I thought I would finally take some time to update the blog on why it has been so quiet over here recently. For those that follow my social media will know that back in Dec I quit my job and became a freelance writer. Fast forward a few months and some trial and error I can also now add social media adviser to my bow. Going solo and standing on my own two feet was and still is terrifying. It is not the same as a regular pay cheque going into the bank each month. That coupled with a complete lack of confidence that I was good enough for people to pay me. A couple of months ago I also began therapy. Turns out writing about a traumatic event again and again does not mean you’ve processed it. It just means you’ve learnt the script, but instead I live in the past, missing out on the present. I also didn’t appreciate the effect Harlow’s birth had on me, and what happened in my childhood is still holding me back from being the mum I want...

To You, The other mother on social media. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. You do not know me, not really, we have only ‘connected,’ online but you have changed me. Changed me as a person, as a woman and as a mother. I can never repay you for what you have unlocked in me. You made me feel normal, when I wanted to scream, to cry, to shout that I can’t do this anymore. I regained by sanity when speaking to you, and saw I was normal. You made me feel like it was okay to feel like a complete failure when the baby had colic and cried for three days straight. That it was alright I hadn't washed my hair and was covered in sick. To be proud when I achieved something that seemed so small to many like getting out the house, or putting my make up on. That yes, my house is also covered in toys and when the baby was napping, I didn't tidy, I ate a packet of Oreos instead. You shared a small insight into your life, one photo, uploaded it and sent out there in...

This letter was never written to be published, this was a letter to Greg, my partner trying to tell him I needed help. I needed him to know that it wasn't just being tired and hormonal that was causing me to be a bit down, I was pregnant and depressed. I cannot really put my finger on the exact reason, and I felt ashamed, insensitive and selfish I was feeling like this when so many are struggling to get pregnant or have lost a child. I know they would swap with me in a flash if they could. That's why I kept it in, pretended I was okay but as the weeks went by it was getting harder and harder to hide, and it was beginning to creep out. I lost my appetite, I had no patience with Elijah and spent most of the time lashing out at Greg. Enough was enough I knew these feelings, and knew I couldn't let them get the better of me. Not this time. Not much is out there about mental illness in pregnancy, as after all isn't this supposed to be a happy time? I wanted to share this...

                                                             M aternal mental health to be precise. Every mum no matter what their situation deserves to have access to non-judgemental mental health support. Why? Because, every mum matters. May 1-7 th marks Maternal Mental Health week, and one I am proud to be an official partner of. It is something I have regularly blogged and spoken about. This week will show the gaps that so desperately need to be addressed in mums receiving the care they need. After the birth of my first son, I was diagnosed with a mental illness, at times I was let down by the system and have struggled a lot to come to terms ...

Dear Elijah, Today is Mother’s Day, our third one spent together (fourth if you include when Dad brought me a present when you were still in my tummy). The NICU days seem more distant now, and we seem to be on more of an even keel. This one is also extra special because this is our last just me and you. This time next year we will be celebrating Mother’s Day with your future brother or sister, as a family of four. I have been thinking a lot recently about the last 2 and a half years. So much has changed. You have come so far, and you are frankly amazing. Bloody annoying but amazing all the same. We have spent this week on your first ever holiday and you were the happiest I have ever seen you. We are on the brink of so much change, and I hope you will embrace it. I want you to know it wasn’t because you were not enough, or not good enough because boy are you, and then some. I hope you will know that I will love you just the same when your new sibling gets...

I sat on the bed, Elijah was screaming, after refusing another bottle and being up all night. I stared out of the window with the tears running down my face and came to the crushing realisation, I was a crap mum. I couldn’t do this. I began to regret our decision to even have a baby. I bombarded Greg with messages whilst he was ay work begging him to come home. I couldn’t cope, I didn’t know what to do. He offered to send his sister round to help but the shame of someone seeing me like this, that I had failed tore me up. I pleaded for him to leave it, I would be okay. All you want in the world is for someone to help you, yet the minute that offer is there you cannot possibly take it. Instead you continue to punish yourself. Self-destruction intimate, I carried on barely holding it together for more than a day. I tried to control how I was really feeling by not eating and abusing pills. Our start to motherhood wasn’t the typical kind, and I am unsure if I would have felt like this if...

Elijah, You’re upstairs asleep, I am downstairs crying. You should be at nursery, but we didn’t even make it out of the house. I couldn’t handle you, the situation, I feel like I have failed you. That I failed as a mother, and not for the first time. There have been times in our crazy two years I have broken down and cried, out of happiness, fear, frustration, you name it, as your mother I have felt it. Even more so as our journey wasn’t so textbook, kiddo. As much as I want to admit you are a normal little boy, with what you have been through in your short life, you are not. Things took their toll on us as parents, but they also left their mark on you too. I know there are a lot of changes going on around you, and some you may not fully understand. In a few months, you will become a big brother, but it is beginning to dawn on me this may be more than you can handle. For a while you have been acting out, getting emotional, we put this down to the terrible twos, bu...