Vicki Cockerill - NICU MUM Blog

I planned on featuring a piece that I was going to write for the last day of #PNAW16. However when I received this amazing piece by Nicola from Too Much Mothering Information I knew I found my final show stopper. As soon as I greedily read this in about 2 minutes I knew it was perfect. It was honest, heartfelt and emotionally moving. At times I actually could imagine her reading this to her daughter face to face when she is older. When you suffer from PND/ PTSD there is a degree of guilt you feel. You feel guilty for feeling like this, guilty for how you feel about your baby. I have also wondered what Elijah may feel when he reads back on what I have written and how bad I really felt, how depressed I got. I wonder if he will feel differently about me as his mother. This is the last post in my #PNDAW16 series, so if you haven't already go check out the others!     Dear Ada, You are three years and ten months old. I am 35. And you have taught me more than I...

Today I wanted to share a piece that I wrote when I first started writing about my PTSD, and our NICU/ CHD story. I didn't know where the blog would take me and in just a few months I am overwhelmed with how far I have come. For the first time in quite some time I feel happy, positive and in control of myself. Something I was the complete opposite of back in March. I was a shell of myself. We are now approaching Elijah's 2nd birthday and for once I am looking forward not backwards. It just goes to show the difference of what you can happen when you begin to talk and start a conversation about something like PTSD. I was very frightened when I was first spoke out, what would people think of me? We need to stop the stigma, stop the fear and let other speak, free from judgement. Until only a couple of months ago I didn’t even have a Facebook account. I used my partner Greg’s to snoop on other people’s, did not understand Twitter (I still don’t tbh), and thought Instagram was som...

I am lucky enough to know the beautiful and articulate Priya from @pabarilife , who kindly let me showcase her amazing post on PND for #PNDAW16. What I love about this piece in the way it so beautifully written explaining both the emotional and medical terms and symptoms I think we have all experienced in one form or another. This post is the perfect example in raising awareness of some of those tell tale symptoms and how to recognise them in others.   Brand New and Blue Only the second day in and the last thing I expected was to be weeping into a sodden tissue. I should have been feeling elated, relieved and joyful but I wasn’t. I felt moody, weepy and so irritable. When the midwife came I slapped on a smile and pretended I was ok. The reality of motherhood had hit me hard and I was struggling emotionally. My new role as a mum made me feel trapped and scared. The lack of sleep, the after birth pain, the mourning of my old life and feeling like I wasn’t cut out for this m...

I always felt Greg was scared about what I was going through. He blanked it out for as long as he could. Until he had to take note, something was wrong. That he thought I was being lazy or selfish. That he didn't actually understand what I was telling him. Although it is you that is suffering, your partner does also go through it with you. Whether they understand or not. They watch you change, they watch you shrink and withdraw. They may feel helpless. This is Greg aka Papa NICU, my partner of nearly 9 years and father to Elijah experience with PND/PTSD. Greg's Story I’m not saying I’m the perfect father but I will strive to do my best for Elijah. I see it all too often these days, people I know, friends, getting a girl pregnant and not dealing with the consequences or even trying to make their relationships work for the sake of the kids. I understand some people are just not meant to be together but that doesn’t mean you have to totally abandon your offspring, your own ...

There is one lady Nina ( Mummy and Nina ), I look at and think she is beautiful. She is immaculate in the way she presents herself.  So, when I asked her to write a piece for the #PNDAW16 I was shocked at the topic she chose. I was shocked that someone as beautiful inside and out as her could go through this period of struggle. It just shows everyone faces their own battles no matter what they are.   I always thought being pregnant I wouldn't cope with the weight gain after having an eating disorder, but in fact I embraced it. When we left the hospital, I then gave up on my appearance. Unwashed hair, wearing Greg's clothes hiding my weight loss as I wasn't eating and tucking my mum tum in my leggings (I still do this!). We should never be made to feel we are not good enough, not thin enough, not pretty enough, you are enough, unwashed hair and all. Take away the filters, the glossy mags, the amazing foundation that will make you perfect and we are all the same c...

Shame When you think back to your pregnancy was it a happy one? Mine was, other than the odd worry here and there I couldn’t have asked for a better 9 months. When you think back to the those first few hours with your new born how was it? Mine was hell. Pure hell. My fairy tale ripped from beneath me in just 12 hours. My baby was admitted to NICU, where he spent 9 days fighting for his life after the diagnosis of a heart defect which would require surgery and Neo Natal stroke. But, this would begin Elijah’s journey, one where he ultimately turned into the warrior he is today. Me? This is where I spiralled down into a darkness I never had experienced before. Surely, when you have a baby you should treasure those first few days, weeks, months together? Laughing together at the lack of sleep, and when you get a poo-nami explosion in Costa on one of your first outings as a family! Should you sit alone in the bedroom playing the NICU days, over and over and over again? Getting angrier, tu...