Vicki Cockerill - NICU MUM Blog

Sleeping soundly. I woke up suddenly yesturday morning, drenched in sweat. My stomach knotted, fear rising in me and I began to panic. This feeling was all to familiar. I knew it instantly. My heart pumped so hard it hurt my chest. I looked around and realised where I was. That it was a dream. But what I dreamt was something that I had lived through. We watched a show on TV recently that said dreams and nightmares were a way of showing and processing trauamtic events, maybe this is what caused it. I wish the dream could have been something so unrealistic, so out of the world it was just that, a dream but this wasn't. It was just another reminder of what we had been through. Sometimes as I write so much about 'our story', talk about it, write extensively on the subject, campaign and it might come across  I am okay with it. That I have processed it. But, frankly it still terrifies me, haunts me. In my dream I was in hospital on the maternity ward, I looked d...

Helping out at The Big NICU Family Photo F our years ago, I was sitting alone in a hospital side room after just giving birth. My baby was down the hall after being admitted to NICU and the echoes of the distant baby's on the ward were deafening. I was frightened, had no idea what was happening and was all alone. Lonely Alone with the fear my baby might die, alone that I knew no one who had gone through this. Alone with the fact I didn't know what the hell was happening. I had no one I could text, call just to ask what do I do? How should I feel? Should I be this angry? This resentful and bitter anger bubbled beneath the surface because I felt I was being robbed of my start to motherhood. I shut down, didn't want anyone to visit. If they did I shut myself away in my room and sent then down to NICU with my partner. I couldn't face the questions, the pity. Then during our time no one professional came to see if we were okay. A few leaflets here and there, a quic...

YIPPPPEEEEEEE I have to admit over the last few years of blogging, there have been many ups and downs. Sometimes, the blog has taken a back seat whilst I revaluate if I really did want to keep sharing the finer details of our lives. I have blogged whilst having a part time job, being pregnant, a mum of two and now I can say that I get paid to blog for other people which is a dream come true. Writing is my passion, especially when I am writing about something that I am so driven about. There have been many crashes of confidence, nights in tears whilst I compare myself to the others making the big bucks of social media, the ones getting the book deals handed to them, or featured in all of the publications that I crave so desperately to be part of. But, despite that I kept going, and have found my niche, and through this have met some amazing people, have featured and written for some great bloggers and websites and get to do something I love whilst hopefully helping ...

Happy Birthday my darling boy. Dear Elijah, I cannot quite believe that I am writing this a letter to you, on your fourth birthday. It feels as though you have been in our lives for what seems like no time at all and as if you've been there our whole lives; all at the same time. We have all come so far since the day you were born, the following long days we spent in hospital at your side. I think things have changed in the last year. It hasn't been the easiest has it? There has been a lot of emotion. A lot of anger from me, and from you. You are so smart, so sensitive and I can see how frustrated you get with the world. And with me, when you don't understand why you cannot always get what you want, why I say no. It's hard to see the disappointment in your face when your dad leaves for work or I tell you Mummy cannot play as she needs to work too. I know it's been hard, I haven't been myself and your brother can be hard work. He can be demanding...

Waiting for an MRI in NICU 5 things I want you to know about being a NICU Mum, this #nicuawarenessmonth In less than four days’ time, my eldest child will celebrate his fourth birthday. Birthdays are always emotional especially when looking back, I class his birth as one of the most traumatic times of my life. I recently wrote about how four years it still haunts me. I didn’t just become a new mum, I became a NICU (Neo Natal Intensive Care Unit) Mum. It was a title I didn’t ask for and we were part of a club we didn’t ask to join. I have now spent nearly 4 years writing about our story on this blog, and for other publications and websites. I have tried to raise awareness of the issues that affected us, I have tried to bring about change but ultimately and I hope I am right in saying I have helped other NICU Mum and CHD (Congenital Heart Defect) parents. I have tried to process some of the emotions surrounding our NICU experience and use them to do somet...

FRONT PAGE! Very excited to be featured on the front page of the #parentvoices page today on the @huffpostuk about a subject very close to my heart regarding the underrepresentation of #nicuparents in the #media . "Why aren’t we talking about NICU? Why as a NICU mum do I feel like I have failed because I cannot live up to the images I see every day in the media? Why aren’t we talking about NICU in antenatal classes? Why are we leaving new parents to be ambushed after just giving birth to find yourself in the unknown territory of the NICU ward? You’re thrust into a world you didn’t ask for, you didn’t know anything about at a time you should be celebrating the happiest time of your life." With it being #nicuawarenessmonth now is the perfect time to raise these issues and start a conversation that could lead to change. https://m.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/nicu-babies_uk_5b9692bce4b0cf7b0042403e?utm_hp_ref=uk-parents&ncid=other_homepage_tiwdkz83g...

Dreams far away from the NICU Every day for 7 days I walked past the mothers with their perfectly healthy babies and felt sick to my stomach. Why was this happening to us? I had to quickly learn about the day to day running of the NICU and spent 90% of my time there. I walked through the ward with my head hung low with an empty car seat. I was going home without my baby. The double doors, the constant hand sanitising, knowing what times the Doctors did their rounds all became second nature to me." This is taken from my blog which was featured on the brilliant @clemmie_telford #motherofalllists and one I wanted to reshare for #nicuawarenessmonth . One of the most traumatic and hardest things I had to deal with whilst we were in #NICU was the separation from my baby just a few hours old. https://motherofalllists.com/2017/12/01/guest-list-life-on-the-neonatal-intensive-care-unit/ #nicu #nnuh #motherofalllists #clemmie #nicumum #hospital #ptsd #chd #TOF #trau...