Skip to main content

Dreaming a little NICU dream


Sleeping soundly.

I woke up suddenly yesturday morning, drenched in sweat.
My stomach knotted, fear rising in me and I began to panic.
This feeling was all to familiar.
I knew it instantly.
My heart pumped so hard it hurt my chest.
I looked around and realised where I was.
That it was a dream.
But what I dreamt was something that I had lived through.
We watched a show on TV recently that said dreams and nightmares were a way of showing and processing trauamtic events, maybe this is what caused it.
I wish the dream could have been something so unrealistic, so out of the world it was just that, a dream but this wasn't.
It was just another reminder of what we had been through.
Sometimes as I write so much about 'our story', talk about it, write extensively on the subject, campaign and it might come across  I am okay with it. That I have processed it.
But, frankly it still terrifies me, haunts me.
In my dream I was in hospital on the maternity ward, I looked down next to me and the cot was empty.
I didn't have to be told where my baby was.
I knew it instantly.
My heart sank, the fear rose up in me like bile and my stomach knotted.
The baby I just had was in the Neo Natal Intensive Care Unit (NICU).
Despite asking everyone I could, no one could tell me how my baby was.
I wandered aimlessly through the hospital looking for anyone who could tell me those words.
The ones every NICU parent dreams to hear.
I walked for hours and found no one that could give me the answer I so desperately wanted.
It seemed so real, but perhaps that's because for us it was.
I don't know if I'll ever get over what happened when Elijah was born.
I think the dream was a sign, something I knew deep down that I haven't gotten over it and it still effects me.
I know many NICU Parents who have been back to NICU, to thank the staff but I've not stepped foot back there in 4 years.
The double doors were not in my dream, and thinking about them stops me in my tracks.
Every time we visit the hospital, have an appointment nearby I have a near on panic attack.
I've had it all, therepy, councelling, medication I have blogged about it for nearly 4 years but still waking up this morning brought it back.
It felt as though I was once again a new mum, frantically trying to find out if her baby was okay and fearing she wouldn't be taking her baby home.
I wonder how many NICU parents dream some form of their experience?
I used to flashback to the sounds, smells and alarms after discharge but never have I dreamt that we were back there.
I don't know why this dream compelled me to write this.
Maybe just like everything else I have to write down my feelings, see them, read them back and rationalise them.
Words have so much power.
Some of the things that haunt me the most from Elijah's NICU admission, surgery and my pregnancy with Harlow is the way we were spoken to, how we were spoken to, what was said.
Some things are imprinted on me.
They can't be forgotten or washed away they are always there bubbling under the surface.
That's why it seems very fitting that I have just taken part in the Make Birth Better EveryWordCount campaign, which you can see my post by clicking here. 
But for now, I am hoping for a more restful night's sleep, one that isn't quite so real.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Dad's feel guilty too don't they?

      Recently, there have been so many articles and posts about mum Guilt. As a NICU mum I felt beyond guilty when Elijah was born. Check out my Mum Guilt post on Selfish Mother. However, where is the dad guilt? Do dad's feel guilty? Or is this something us mums take upon ourselves to feel? Another thing as a mum we feel we have to take on (and then feel guilty about) because they don't? Is it a common mis conception that dad's don't feel guilty about anything?   When you have a baby, guilt is a huge part of motherhood, it's almost instant. The whole breast vs bottle argument is thrust in your face once your baby is born and your decision is then criticized by anyone and everyone. Something that dad cannot really feel guilty about, if baby doesn't latch and you formula feed (I think whatever you want or have to do is fine!).   As an equal partner in bringing the baby into this world and raising them, do dad's feel what we do? Are the...

Top 10 #Mumwins (okay 'win' may be abit of a stretch) of the week!

I have decided to do something a bit different, and update you all on what has been happening with us all this week. Hopefully, you get an insight that although I was a NICU Mum, I am also a Mum to a toddler as well. We are currently experiencing all things TODDLERDOM with my little Damien (666) seriously the older he gets the more worried I am he is the Omen!  Here is the little bugger covered in Oreos shutting me out of the house and making me knock on the door to come in! It also is nice to show you all how far away our life is from the time he was in hospital. We are fast approaching his year anniversary post op which is mind blowing. At times its so nice just to be a Mum to a normal little boy, and talk to other parents (many of you on Instagram) and laugh about all things #parentlife. So here are my Top 10 Mum Wins (more like fails) that have been achieved this week.   1. We thought we got away with it, we got cocky...

The time Fajita night resulted in having a baby in a bath.

The newest Cockerill Do you all remember my ever so optimistic natural birth plan? You can read it here. However, spoiler alert, it didn’t happen. What did happen was something no one was expecting. Wednesday the 5 th July… a mundane sort of day spent cleaning the house and doing the weekly shop. With Greg going back to work the next day I was determined to make sure everything was ready for when this baby arrived! I was three days off my due date and still hadn’t had one single sign this baby was imminently coming. I had been receiving messages from quite a few people asking if baby was here yet. I was getting fed up as everything I had tried to induce labour failed miserably and every morning for the last two weeks I woke up disappointed I wasn’t in labour! I gave up, walking didn’t help, pineapple made me sick and I was beginning to tire of the raspberry leaf tea. This baby was staying put. In the evening I put Elijah bed, and we began to settle down for the eveni...