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On the eve of your third birthday

The Cockerill Brothers... those who dress together...

Elijah,

Tonight, as you fell asleep with your arm around my waist, I stayed that little bit longer in bed with you.

I drunk you in and knew these moments are becoming few and far between.

You are growing up so fast, and I guess it is hard for me to let go.

Let go of the fact you do not need me as much, that you are forging your way on your terms.

I remain fiercely protective of you my heart warrior.

You know what you like, and you most certainly know what you don’t like and boy do we know about it.

I love how you binge watch your favourite series, that you only eat the cream from custard creams and want lunch at 10am.

That you go to bed with your snuggie; my scarf smelling of perfume.

My heart stops when I sneak in to watch you sleep, I see you growing out your toddler bed but still clutching your comforter.

I always want to keep you close, to keep you safe and I worry about the ugly world we now live in.

The lead up to your birthday can be hard for me, it brings back what was both the best and worst day of my life.

You have come so far, and I am so proud of you.

Proud that you let nothing get in the way of what you want which now is to be Fireman Sam.

I am not as strong as you, and this year was a tough year wasn’t it?

The guilt I felt when I saw how disappointed you were that we couldn’t do the normal things when I was pregnant.

To see the confusion on your face when we brought Harlow home and that you didn’t understand why suddenly you were not the centre of our lives.

You had to share us with your new brother and you didn’t understand, did you?

You acted out, as you realised we paid attention to you when you were doing something wrong.

It was hard watching you become more and more frustrated with the family dynamic.

It became hard for me to be around you; old feelings came back from when you were born.

But, it was all worthwhile when I see how caring you are towards your brother, your ‘baby boy’.

I will let you into a secret.

One of the favourite parts of my day is you crawling into bed with me in the morning and holding my hand as we cuddle, or how you stroke my arm.

It disappears slightly when you demand Peppa Pig at 6am.

You have this amazing ability to both frustrate the hell out of me, but the minute you are gone for more than a few hours I miss you like crazy.

I adore picking you up from nursery and seeing how much fun you have had and talking about what you did.

My heart swells with pride when I see the new friends you have made, you did that yourself no help from me.

I love our bus journeys together, even when you sit in a different seat every time the bus stops.

Happy 3rd birthday sausage.

I love you.

Always.

Mum x

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