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To my son with CHD as we apply for school.

Next September E starts school.

We knew it was coming.
After all, most of your friends started school last month, as you are a September baby you will be the oldest in your class.
I have to be honest, seeing the letter and holding it in my hand still made me stop for a moment. I turned to look at you and realise next year your teachers will see you more than I will.
That you won't be here demanding Power Rangers on Netflix, making me craft or bake and you won't be pulling your brother about the house by his feet (well, as much).
I have been heartbroken for you this year.
You should have gone to school, you are so ready.
Missing the cut off by two weeks I watched you as your friends all went up, I saw confusion in why you were not going with them, why they weren't coming on weekday playdates anymore.
You acted out, overwhelmed by all the change not realising why it was all happening.
We decided to keep you busy, we filled your week with classes and activities.
I was gutted for you, I felt you were missing out, getting left behind.
As our friends moved on, we stayed where we were.
I am so grateful for an extra year with you but I know how ready you are for this.
I wonder why there isn't an option for parents of older children to decide if they want for them to start school if they are close to cut off like the younger children.
We've started looking around at schools and you are so confident, it is as if we could leave you there and then and I know you will be fine.
I'm not going to lie, you starting school terrifies me.
How will you cope with the 5 day week?
Will your immune system handle the extra children, the new environment?
Will we see that you are different from the other children being a heart child?
Will you be able to keep up?
What if you need time off? You will need to attend cardiac appointments will you fall behind?
I'm heavily involved with you at nursery will I need to take a step back at school, and how will I cope with that?
Will you make friends? Behave in class? Eat your lunch?
We've been a team me and you for four years and it does feel as though you're leaving me.
I know deep down you will thrive but I will always feel protective of you.
More than most.
I flash back to the time we spent in hospital and I cannot believe we are applying for you to start school.
I know our school choice in true family fashion isn't as straightforward with us applying for an out of catchment school.
I want the best for you, I want to give you the best start no matter what it takes I will make sure that happens.
I don't think I will ever stop worrying, stop thinking about how amazing you are, have far you've come.
I've had a control of things and with you starting school it feels as though that's taken away from me.
That scares me.
But when you declare you can't wait to go I know it's me that isn't ready.
It is as ever, you I get my strength from.
This is the start of a new chapter for us kid, and I know despite my worries you will be frankly spectacular.
Love Mum x

 This post was originally posted on Mummy and Little Me.

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