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| New Year Morning 2019 |
The truth is, I lost my blogging mojo and fell into a bit of
a social media wormhole constantly comparing myself to others, seeing them announce
their plans and features and wondering if I was really good enough.
I have been questioning whether people really are interested in what I have to say as she
types from her bed (I have been told that all the best writers do this from a fellow
writer!) with her two kids being bribed with Milky Ways and Toy Story 2 for the
umpteenth time.
I have been blogging for few years now, and have had some
amazing opportunities, I have been nominated for two awards, but alas my shelf
is still waiting for the award I win and get to bring home. As much as it is an
honour to be nominated and to be a finalist it makes me wonder, is it worth it
all? Am I worth it all?
I have so many half started blog posts, so many ideas but I
lost my confidence and as a result felt like I lost my purpose.
Blogging has also been my therapy but as it grew so did my expectations
and I felt as though I could really make something from this, then it got
murky. I spent so much of my time scrolling and
comparing myself constantly to everyone and worrying what they were doing. What
Collab’s they had secured, #ads that they did, awards they won but why when it was making me feel so bad, I couldn't help myself.
I distanced myself from social media, and the blog. I kept
putting it of hoping some divine intervention would suddenly strike me to get
back on the horse again.
Personally I have been struggling physically and mentally,
it was reminiscent of my dark post-natal depression days but actually I believe
I may be suffering from PMDD (Premenstrual dysphoric disorder) and am currently
tracking my symptoms for an official diagnosis.
I lost who I was, and why I started this. I started my blog
to be honest, to help those going through what we did and for them to find some
sort of relief, comfort or just some relatability to what parenting a child with
CHD, that has been in NICU is really like. It is a place where I am not afraid
to talk about the darker side of parenting knowing if I felt it than others may
do too.
This time of year can be dangerous with the motivational
posts announcing ‘amazing projects lined up for 2019’, pregnancy announcements and
every quote under the sun to trick yourself into thinking that you will be
thinner, better and happier in 2019.
Each New Year I convince myself that this will be different,
but as I look at my past positivity journals, running books (and trainers) and all
my good intentions collecting dust shoved down the side of my bed I wonder why
do we need all the pressure to change all of ourselves just because it is the
New Year? Instead should we not all just take some time to recognise and
believe in our own self-worth?
I feel that perhaps I am not in the place I wanted to be
going into 2019, and yes there were some amazing ups, but also a lot of downs
to 2018.
It is all too easy to look at the superficial snapshots of
others lives on social media, especially during the festive season and feel inferior.
Days out, presents and exciting New Year plans dominate my feed and overwhelm
how inferior I feel as a mother, partner and friend.
The pressure then feels quite heavy that I must change every
single part of me to achieve what I imagine in my head is the perfect business,
family and blogging lifestyle but is it even real? Is it really as bad as I have
built it all up in my head? Actually I am raising two children ,juggling a part time
job, starting a charity and managing my blog (the housework still remains pretty
neglected) and at times its chaos but each day I get up and do it all over
again each and every day.
I worry what people think way too much, that people will lose interest if I don’t
update Instagram, or share on Facebook but when you choose to share your entire
life, especially when you bare your soul, it is easy to take it to heart and
far to personally.
The truth is that it took a very kind friend to snap me out
of same old demons haunting me, and for Elijah to give me some perspective
during our New Years Eve Lego party. I asked him what he wanted to achieve in 2019
and he replied he wants to go for ice cream and get a hot water bottle. Simple, achievable and most of all it is what makes him happy.
I thought about what I want to achieve and of course, I want
to be more financially stable, defeat my washing pile, learn to drive, to be
published more, become a recognised authority on talking about NICU and kick
start the fundraising off for The NICU Parent Partnership, but something clouds
all of that.
Someone (a very wise someone) told me recently after I
explained how I had been feeling that ‘I am just one mum and being a mum is no1
priority’, and she is so right. I do everything for them, and if I have to
adjust the balance of blogging and my other commitments to be present, happy and
functional mum that that is what I need to do. There is always other times to
blog, to update social media and to make great plans but there is only a
limited amount of time for me to be a good, present and happy mum and that’s what
I need to focus on.
This year as much as I will try my very best to set out to
achieve my blog/ charity goals, my main one is to continue to be true to
myself. I might not win any awards, I may have a wobble, or two (or likely 300)
but I will continue to strive to be honest to help others and carry on blogging
about the ups and downs of raising a child with CHD and struggling with maternal
mental health issues as a result.
I will get back to blogging about what I want to write about
and not worry about whether it is good enough, because I am, for those reading
this, you are too.
It is a New Year and yes it is good to inject some
mindfulness and good intentions into our lives (she says looking at the half
downloaded mindfulness app on her phone from last night) but it doesn’t mean we
have to change everything about who we are and what we do. It is about
healthily reflecting on the future and living in the present.
So, Happy New Year and to being the same old me in 2019 and
learning to accept that that in fact is good enough.
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