Vicki Cockerill - NICU MUM Blog

September and all of the feels. September . This month holds a lot of conflicting emotions for me. The reason? E was born on Sept 18th 2014. September was the month I became a mum. September was the month I met my little boy 4 years ago. September was the month my world crashed around me. September was the month I had my baby taken away 12 hours post birth and admitted to NICU. September is the month I watched my baby through an incubator fight for his life. September is the month where we found out he had a stroke and also needed open heart surgery. September is the month my life changed forever. September is the month I became a NICU Mum. September is the month where I began to develop #PTSD . September is #nicuawarenessmonth and I will be sharing ALOT of #nicu posts and blogs about my experience as a #nicumum for a number of websites, publications and organisations to raise awareness of our story and the issues we fought and to say thanks to the amazing #nicustaff and #nh...

This is what being a mother really looks like. Today I broke. As the tears streamed down my face in anger, in frustration I felt as though I had made a terrible mistake. I shouldn't have become a mother. I regretted having children. That I wasn't equipped to deal with two children, that I couldn't cope anymore. Then the guilt washed over me in tidal waves that I dared have this thought. I know how lucky we are but at times it is so hard to be greatful when my four year old is a ball of energy who leaves a trail of destruction in his path and never, ever listens. The baby? He doesn't sleep, he doesn't want to be apart and he screams all day. The house is a mess, plastic toys piled high pushed to one side and forgotten about. Wasted money thrown at the promise of peace. I no longer remember waking up and feeling like I have a handle on this. I feel like a failure. I can't stop craving to be on my own. I want to be able to eat, drink, pee, bath an...

The reason I blog. When we were told E had #chd I felt so alone. I knew no one else who had gone though what we were and when I looked online I couldn't find anyone writing about it other than on forums. I was angry, bitter and resentful, where were all the parenting blogs telling you honestly how shit it is to have a child who is ill? Who needs surgery? I began my blog to fill that gap, if I could help just one other person feel less alone, semi normal or just to raise awareness then it was worth it. The minute I connected with others who had gone through the same thing I felt understood. I connected with those that hadn't gone through what we had but who supported and empowered me. I don't have thousands of followers, I don't get asked to events or #gifted things. I am as far aways from being one of the cool kids as they come. But, I am honest. I am confessing what life is really like with a heart baby, and what parenting is really like with mental health...

Everyone who knows me is aware that I don't really like publicly speaking. I also have a cracking Norfolk accent I am a tad self conscious off but alas I digress. I can never get my words out in the way I want them too (hence why I am a writer) despite my nerves I have recorded a #podcast with the brilliant @thebackstorypodcast I talk about our #nicu story and life as a #nicuparent and our #journey. You can listen to it and the other brilliant podcasts here; https://itunes.apple.com/gb/podcast/who-helps-nicu-parents-vickis-story/id1273831166?i=1000416466765&mt=2 I want to tell our story in as many ways as I can, to as many people in hope that it helps just one person feel less alone, to comfort them and to raise awareness of the issues that need to change. #podcasts #backstory #nicu #chd #mother #parent #blogger #mystory #norwich #norfolk #recording #nicumum #honestconfessions #parentlife #norwichblogger #norfolkblogger #mums #dads

Happy Birthday my darling boy  To my darling boy, You seem so large in my arms all of a sudden or perhaps it's because I am taking notice of how much you've changed. From your less than traditional entrance in the world you were always going to do it differently weren't you? You are already , walking, talking and climbing on anything you can get your hands and feet on. You seem so old, yet are still so young. You race around to keep up with your brother. You play with and do whatever he does, perhaps that's why you seem so grown up. I see how you look at him, with complete love and devotion. I am writing to say two things. One, Happy 1st Birthday my long haired loony. I hope you enjoy being spoilt beyond belief. Something your not too used too hay? The other is to say I am sorry. After you were born I wasn't myself for a very long time and somewhere along the line I blamed you. I blamed you for how I was feeling, for the darkness and that wasn't...

#makebirthbetter  I have given birth twice now, and have two very different stories I could tell you. As a society we seem to love a good birth story. I remember people messaging me just after H was born via social media and the blog desperate for me to publish our birth story. I have friends who were induced, who were in labour for minutes, hours and even days. I know those who had C ections, VBACS, vaginal births and everything in between. There is no denying it we love a birth story. But here is what I've learnt, we don't necessarily tell the truth especially if we had a bad or traumatic birth. We glaze over it, we say it was fine and it's okay because we got our little bundle of non sleeping joy at the end of it. We trick ourselves into thinking people have had it worse than us, that we are making a fuss. It's okay because we got through it despite how horrendous it really was and now we do what we do best we bury it, paper over...

-Hope- To you, sitting there watching your baby through an incubator window. To you, fearing the worst after being dealt the devastating blow that your child is going to have this sentence around their neck for life. To you, standing in the hospital corridor while your child is in surgery. To you, crying yourself to sleep because you think your child will be taken from you. To you, sitting in recovery looking down at your child wondering if they will ever be the same again. To you, terrified that they will never meet their milestones. To you I give you hope. Hope that it can work out. Hope that it can be okay. Hope that one day you will stand and watch your child ride a bike on his own. Always dare to hope. Never let it go. From a NICU/ CHD mum whose been there every step of the way with her TOF son 👩‍👦