In my 26 years there has been many a time, I have been
depressed. Looking back to my teenage years it was due to not being able to
cope with rejection, loss and not feeling I belonged. As I grew older, it was
just like an old friend, every now and again when you least expected it, there
it was rearing its ugly head and dragging me back. I think at times I had even
become dependent on my depression, I expected it to be there, and if it did go
away it wouldn’t be long before it returned. I guess, I am one of those people,
I think too much, I worry more, and suffer from a lot of self-doubt. I basically
I attract depression and melancholy. Sometimes, like an old friend, you may
just bump into them, and it will be a quick catch up and the depression is
again on its away. However, there are times where we can have a full blown
reunion.
This will lead to a trip to the doctors, and my other very
good friend, the trusty anti-depressant is prescribed. The chemicals re align in
my brain, I work some stuff out and I keep my repeat prescription close to me. After
the counselling and CBT doesn’t work again. This is what happened, as many you have
known when Elijah was born, and had his surgery. I had never experienced
depression like this. It consumed me, it literally took over every aspect of my
life. I became the depression; it took everything from me. Until one day I
looked at my family, and realized yeah, we had it rough but it could have been
worse. Elijah taught me a lot and my outlook on life changed. I gained a confidence
and self-belief that never existed before I became a mother. I was going to
beat this. I was going to me. The depression was not who I was, it took a very
long time to realize that actually it is not a part of who I am. I wanted to be
an amazing mother to Elijah and this was not going to affect him anymore. It is
one thing when something that is causing you pain, but when you are beginning
to cause your family pain, I think it’s time to swallow it, and make the very
uncomfortable admission you need help.
Even after I tried to take my own life when I was a teenager
and ended up in hospital scaring my Nan and Uncle half to death I didn’t admit
I needed help. I tried to change, and went cold turkey of my tablets and read a
lot a books about Hinduism and baked. Good lord I baked. It was only after
snapping at Elijah and seeing the look on his face I knew I needed help. What
mother was I being when we stayed in all the time, when I was irritable or
crying, and not actually wanting to be there with my son? So, off I went to the
doctors, and like a trusty companion, the medication was back in my life. This
time instead of relying on the tablets to do everything, I worked on myself. I wrote
everything I had ever felt during the first 18 months of Elijah’s life and for
the very first time, I acknowledged, accepted and processed what I was feeling.
I could feel the depression shrinking away inside of me, I was getting
stronger, and it was getting smaller.
I have been very happy for a good 6 months so it came the
time, after a good love affair to say goodbye to my nearest and dearest the anti-depressant.
I again became to rely on them, but I had to know if I could do this on my own.
I felt like they were part of me. They felt alien in the new all natural and
healthy me. If we had another baby, I didn’t want to be on them. As it would
once again affect my family. When people asked me how I was, and I said good, I
didn’t want to think of it as lying to them and hiding my dirty little secret.
I didn’t want to feel guilty after I said, yes I am fine thank you, but
actually I am on anti-depressants so I guess I am not completely fine. I wanted
to be honest, I wanted to be real, and most of all I wanted to be me. I had to
know that I had beaten this. I was officially over it. That was only going to happen
when I stopped the tablets. I knew after
a year of being on them I couldn’t just quit them like I did before. I began to
cut down, and after three weeks I am now off them. It was over right? Or was
it?
Can I cope without my trusty companions? |
Last night came the knock out the door, when I answered it
was self-doubt again, feelings of failure and feeling down. I had a complete
crash of confidence, could I do this without them? Had I really beaten this? I
also had become disinterested in my blog. For three days I barely looked at it,
I wrote nothing when normally I write every day. I am behind on projects, am I
doing the right thing? Is the store working out? Is there any point to it?
After shutting off my phone and taking stock of things, I didn’t do anything. I
distanced myself from it all, as not to do anything rash.
When I woke up, I felt so different. I felt that the knock
at the door last night was a wobble, and that house guest has been evicted and
will not be lingering to out stay his welcome. I had beaten this, and there
will be many more wobbles but I will overcome them. There will be no more
reunions with my old friend; depression. Why? Because I am so over our friendship.
Like any toxic friendship, I have terminated ours.
These words after hearing them today, seemed especially
poignant, by the downright amazing Young Guns, ‘I was born, I will live, I will
surely die’.
There's no doubt you can yourself out if
you want to
Don't turn away, don't be shy, you've got questions so do I
Every day is a chance to change the story
Don't run away, take a shot, give it everything you've got
Without pain, tell me what's the point in glory?
Don't turn away, don't be shy, you've got questions so do I
Every day is a chance to change the story
Don't run away, take a shot, give it everything you've got
Without pain, tell me what's the point in glory?
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