Vicki Cockerill - NICU MUM Blog

Time moves on but NICU stays with you. "When I first met another NICU mum it felt as though the burden I had been carrying for all those months had lifted. I felt so much lighter, I felt understood, and I felt as though I was normal. The look in your eyes today, it took me back. Every gut wrenching feeling washed over me, your pain resonated with me on a level that is almost indescribable. I want you to know, I get it mama, I really do in only a way someone who has been through it can. You are not alone. I am here for you, part of the same club that neither of us asked to be in. One that will be with us for a long time to come, if not forever." I am so proud of the piece I recently wrote for The M Word it is dedicated to all the NICU parents I have met recently, but one lady in particular inspired this piece 💜 You can read the full piece by clicking here.

Harlow July 2017 I was invited to be interviewed by the Huffington Post UK for their amazing new #BirthDiaries series. It is a series that aims to share and bring together different birth experiences and stories. If you have followed me for a while you will know my youngest son's birth was a whirlwind unplanned 50 minute home birth after some fajitas  for tea! You can read my full birth story here . I believe it is so important to share our diverse birth stories to show the difference between them and how much they can vary. There is no perfect birth. This is also why I am a supporter of the amazing Make Birth Better Network , and have recently taken part in there #EveryWordCounts campaign. My advice of you are a parent to be about to give birth and a snippet from the interview... "Don’t fixate on what you’ve seen in the media and what your image of birth is. The chances are, it’s not going to go that way. We are given an unrealistic image of what a good b...

Sleeping soundly. I woke up suddenly yesturday morning, drenched in sweat. My stomach knotted, fear rising in me and I began to panic. This feeling was all to familiar. I knew it instantly. My heart pumped so hard it hurt my chest. I looked around and realised where I was. That it was a dream. But what I dreamt was something that I had lived through. We watched a show on TV recently that said dreams and nightmares were a way of showing and processing trauamtic events, maybe this is what caused it. I wish the dream could have been something so unrealistic, so out of the world it was just that, a dream but this wasn't. It was just another reminder of what we had been through. Sometimes as I write so much about 'our story', talk about it, write extensively on the subject, campaign and it might come across  I am okay with it. That I have processed it. But, frankly it still terrifies me, haunts me. In my dream I was in hospital on the maternity ward, I looked d...

Helping out at The Big NICU Family Photo F our years ago, I was sitting alone in a hospital side room after just giving birth. My baby was down the hall after being admitted to NICU and the echoes of the distant baby's on the ward were deafening. I was frightened, had no idea what was happening and was all alone. Lonely Alone with the fear my baby might die, alone that I knew no one who had gone through this. Alone with the fact I didn't know what the hell was happening. I had no one I could text, call just to ask what do I do? How should I feel? Should I be this angry? This resentful and bitter anger bubbled beneath the surface because I felt I was being robbed of my start to motherhood. I shut down, didn't want anyone to visit. If they did I shut myself away in my room and sent then down to NICU with my partner. I couldn't face the questions, the pity. Then during our time no one professional came to see if we were okay. A few leaflets here and there, a quic...

YIPPPPEEEEEEE I have to admit over the last few years of blogging, there have been many ups and downs. Sometimes, the blog has taken a back seat whilst I revaluate if I really did want to keep sharing the finer details of our lives. I have blogged whilst having a part time job, being pregnant, a mum of two and now I can say that I get paid to blog for other people which is a dream come true. Writing is my passion, especially when I am writing about something that I am so driven about. There have been many crashes of confidence, nights in tears whilst I compare myself to the others making the big bucks of social media, the ones getting the book deals handed to them, or featured in all of the publications that I crave so desperately to be part of. But, despite that I kept going, and have found my niche, and through this have met some amazing people, have featured and written for some great bloggers and websites and get to do something I love whilst hopefully helping ...

Blogging for Tiny Tickers  For those who regularly read the blog, you will know that I have shared my story and raised a lot of awareness for the charity Tiny Tickers . They are a frankly amazing charity which is striving to help diagnose babies with undetected heart conditions and supporting families when they are getting that life changing diagnosis. We used their THINK HEART campaign when we went for a foetal medicine scan with Harlow to check whether he too, would have CHD or not. One of the most frequent questions we get about Elijah is why his condition wasn't picked up in the scans. Why it wasn't until 12 hours post birth that he was having cyanotic episodes and was admitted to NICU to be diagnosed. The answer? No one knows, it just didn't show, get picked up and actually we were told the majority of TOF patients are diagnosed post birth. Here he had a scan and was then diagnosed with Tetralogy of Fallot when we received the diagnosis it felt as though ...

Happy Birthday my darling boy. Dear Elijah, I cannot quite believe that I am writing this a letter to you, on your fourth birthday. It feels as though you have been in our lives for what seems like no time at all and as if you've been there our whole lives; all at the same time. We have all come so far since the day you were born, the following long days we spent in hospital at your side. I think things have changed in the last year. It hasn't been the easiest has it? There has been a lot of emotion. A lot of anger from me, and from you. You are so smart, so sensitive and I can see how frustrated you get with the world. And with me, when you don't understand why you cannot always get what you want, why I say no. It's hard to see the disappointment in your face when your dad leaves for work or I tell you Mummy cannot play as she needs to work too. I know it's been hard, I haven't been myself and your brother can be hard work. He can be demanding...